Wednesday, 18 September 2013



I feel awfully empty.

I think we all feel like that sometimes. Although in my case it is a bit different.
I always feel empty, but there are days when the emptiness is so strong in consumes me. This is one of those days when I feel very lost, I don`t feel like I belong and I feel emptier than in general.

I remember feeling like this a lot when I was younger. I have a very strong memory of a particular day when I was laying in my be, crying my eyes out screaming “I don` t belong here, I don`t want to be here! Take me home!” And on that day I was certainly sure, I didn`t belong to this planet, and I am wasn`t one of the people around me.

I didn`t understand their language, I didn`t understand their actions. It was all messed up and weird and I whatever I did was wrong in those people eyes. I didn`t belong. And I still don`t belong to anywhere.

I am so glad, at least I found my Aspie sisters on FB. It`s the only place I can be true and honest without judgment. I feel so safe there, so alive. 

I love not having to explain why am I going through a meltdown after going out for a meeting. I love not having to explain why I don`t want to do certain things, eat certain foods, or why I need to do certain routines. 

Yet, I feel so empty. Like nothing can save me.

I don`t wish I was dead, I just wish I wasn`t here. Because I miss home, and I miss being a part of a planet where I belong to.
How did we get here? Why are we here?
I hate this feeling so much….feeling so empty and drained. Feeling misunderstood all the times. It`s so exhausting.

Please let me go home!

Monday, 5 August 2013

Friendships and obsessions

To me friendships, are very special.
I have never had many friends, and I never belonged to a big group of people or to any "gangs".
When I was a child I only liked to play with certain people and never felt comfortable with being around a huge group of people where everybody talk in the same time and nobody listens. I would rather go an play by myself. strolling the streets alone, inventing games, inventing imaginary friends. I was living in my own bubble. I was safe there and nobody could come near me. Of course I was called a freak and I always felt like one. I remember feeling alien all the times. I was certain that I was in fact from a different planet. Sometimes I still wonder if I am...

My probable was, that I got attached to people very quickly. If someone was nice to me, I misinterpreted their actions and thought they love me, need me and care about me as much as I care, loved and needed them. Unfortunately this was never true. I was never needed as much as I wanted to be.
I remember sharing all my sweets, crisps, food with everyone just to make them like me. I would helped anyone, to make them need me. I thought if I give them what they want, and help them in what they need I will be accepted, loved and wanted. It was never like that. I was simply used.

When I was in the illusion of someone being my friend I got very attached to them, and they became my obsession. I was obsessed with them 24/7. All I wanted was to to be with them, talk to them. I was like a moon, always around them, like a little dog always flowing them. Until, they got bored and fed up with me always being in their way and then they got rid off me, ditched me and left me alone with no explanations. I could make a list of those people who left me just like that. Effortlessly...
I could never understand that. Why would anyone leave me without any explanation? I still can't understand it when it happens. It hurts so much.

Unfortunately I am still that person. I am still that little girl who would do anything for anyone wanting nothing in return. I am still the girl who gets attached to anyone very quickly if they are nice to me.
If somebody talk to me, or just is being nice to me I automatically assume they want my friendship and we will be great friends. I open up to them, I let them see me, let them see all my scars. Usually it is too late when I notice that they never open up to me. When I realized that, I begin to see, that perhaps they don't think of me as they friend. They slowly ditch me, and as soon as I start feeling that they are trying to leave I became obsessed and terrified of losing them, so I say things that probably is juts oil on the fire.
I hate the feeling when I am losing someone. It's like holding someone's hand and slowly beginning to feel that your are losing the grip of their hands and the next minute, they are gone.

I became friends with someone I cared about this year. I thought we were fine and I thought he was very different. He listened to me, gave me advices, we had good laughs. He knew I liked him, more than just a friend, but said it was okay as long as I understood he didn't want more because of the shitty things in his life going on. He told me he was a person who is there and then disappears when least expected. He told me from the start he would let me down. I said, it was okay. I wanted his friendship anyway, even if I was going to get burned.
Then, after talking to him almost every day, sending text messages every day, he just simply disappears. No phone calls, no text messages, no FB. He was gone and I was left abandoned with no explanation. This went on for a week and I didn't contact him. I was hurting, I didn't understand why someone talk to me one day and ditch me on the next.
I became more and more depressed. I posted some depressing quotes on my FB, and one day he commented something hurtful so we got into a "fight". I accused him for not caring, because that's what I felt. That he didn't.
I couldn't sleep all night and couldn't stop crying. I realized the reason why I couldn't handle someone being nice to me and leaving me the next day, was because that's what my mom always does to me. One day she would be around and we would be laughing happily together, I would trust her, next day she would come home drunk and I wouldn't even have an explanation for her sudden change of behavior. I hated that. I hated trusting her, and being happy with her because I was always terrified it will be over on the next day. That's why I was always so hurt when a friend left me just like that. I had no explanation of what had happened. What have I done wrong?
When I was little I was always accused of doing something bad and that's being the reason my mom started up drinking. I believed that then, and even though I don't believe it any more, I still feel like I am the cause of when someone leaves me. 

Then, we made up and he promised he'd come and see me. He came on a Sunday, we went for a drink, and I felt very insecure around him. It was weird being with him after we had a fight, knowing he ditched me because he got scared I wanted more. Well, yeah. I found it difficult to set up my boundaries with people, I also find it difficult not to be so honest and blunt about what I want and what I think.
At this stage I found it difficult to interact with him, look at him or be close to him. In the same time I found it difficult not too. I wanted to stare at him and touch him, hug him. I felt very confused.

We met up once again on Tuesday when we went for a car drive and a walk. Because he knew I had trouble with making decisions and saying what I want, he played a game with me that I had to tell him where to go with the car. This made me giggle, but I also felt very insecure and a bit uncomfortable.

We continued talking and sometimes our discussions were a bit off being just "friends". I was very honest of what I wanted and said awkward thing to him, like wanting to hug him and lay on top off him. To me this wasn't sexual. I couldn't understand why was is sexual to him. I only had one male friend before, but he was guy, so it didn't matter if I laid on top of him. I simply couldn't understand why would it matter to him, as he didn't even liked me.

Next time we met, it was wonderful. It was also the time when we fucked everything up between each other, BIG TIME.
He came to see me, and we drove to an old house, to a property of the National Trust. We walked around the house, and by this time I was getting comfortable with looking at him (only if he didn't look) and I couldn't stop poking him then giggling like a child. He enjoyed that. He thought I was funny.
We got lost when we tried to find the petrol station, then we got lost trying to find the house. He, just like me, has terrible orientation skills. (I often think he is an aspie as well, but he doens't know it, there were plenty of signs for that)
After visiting the house we went to a pub where he hold me and smiled at me a lot, then he said, eh wished he met me earlier, somehow in a different time, different circumstances, referring of our age gap (11 years difference)
This was sort of an answer to my questions, because long time ago I wanted to know if he would wanted me if things were different. I was happy, he would have.
Later we went to an other pub, to have something to eat. He hugged me constantly and I was the happiest girl in the world. Such a teenage dream, init?
Then, we drove to the river side (at least that was the plane, but we got lost) -but eventually we did get there. It was raining a bit so we sat down on the lock. It was already around ten in the evening. He held me close to his body and I hugged him. I could feel it happening and I was freaking out. I knew he was going to kiss me, and I knew should not do it because he was my friend and a kiss would fuck everything up. In the same time I wanted him, because I wanted that kiss long time ago. I wanted to see how would it feel to kiss him. There was still a chance to stop things for happening. I could have just get up, or turn my head away, or say something that would take away his mind of kissing me. But I didn't. I couldn't even budge. So I turned to him, knowing I am making a mistake...and I let him kiss me. I knew it wasn't right. But I was living in my teenage dream. He felt good, but in the same time I could see myself from above, asking "what an earth are you doing?"

During the next week, we didn't talk much. We avoided the subject. On the next weekend we had a party we both attended, and because I wasn't getting as much attention from him as I wanted, I got very stressed and had a meltdown then and there. He tried to comfort me, asking if it was because of the kiss and saying he didn't want to confuse me. I said, it wasn't that. In fact, I wasn't lying. I wasn't sure what was it. I just simply felt very confused of what had happened the week before.I wasn't sure I wanted it to happen anymore, in the same time I wanted more to happen. I couldn't decide which feeling was real. This made me very confused.
The next day he said he was sorry and he was wrong kissing me, because he didn't want to confuse me, but he was confused as well, and it just happened.
At this point I was sure I wanted him, and loved him. I didn't want it to be over, so I gone through on a big rage and got very upset. I wanted him as a friend, but I wanted him as being more as well.
I ran to the river side, where we were a week ago, where he kissed me, and I cried. I realized the reason I was so upset was because I was fooling myself saying I loved him. I mistaken being in loved with the feeling of being  in love. Just like I always did.
The next day, I was feeling better and time slowly passed by, till Friday.

On Friday, I was feeling down again, and was very exhausted. I was talking to him on FB and said I needed a hug, so he offered to drive up to me and give me a hug. It took him an hour to get to me, and it was already late, half 9 when we met.
We went to a park, walked holding hands, we went swinging in the playground. Because it was cold we decided to just park near the river, close to my house and just sit in the car. So that's what we did.
Because I couldn't hug him properly sitting on the front seat, we decided to sit in the back. He said straight ahead he wasn't sure if that was a good idea...and I knew he was right.
For a long time we just hugged but the, started kissing. It wasn't gentle an innocent like last time. This time, it was passionate and we kissed for hours. I wasn't sacred of kissing him back. We even kissed goodbye when we said goodbye.
Although up until now, I thought I couldn't have him as friends with benefits, because he was more important to me, now I was beginning to think, I wouldn't mind.
 During the week, our chats on FB became very sexual and I learned he had "naughty" thoughts about me, which surprised me as I never would have thought. After all, he didn't like me the way I liked him.
The next weekend we met up again, went to amusement park, went for walks and dinner. We ended up kissing again, and he asked me if I wanted to stay at his place so we can spend tomorrow together as well.
I said no, because it became too much for me and I freaked out. I also was on my period, so it was a definite no. I felt we crossed the line already, because kissing and hugging was okay with me, but more would be too much and overwhelming.
In the end we end up in his car and the end we were topples..ouch! I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't want to keep doing this anymore.

So I didn't go home with him, but we did met up on the next day. I could feel already something had changed in him. He was different, more insecure more distant. So was I. In the same time I didn't want to lose him or drift apart, but I can feel the gap forming between us.

We wee lying in the grass in the park. I stroked him, hugged him, kissed his cheeks and his chest. But he had no reaction, apart from "ohh this is so nice, I don't know what to say" He was really pissing me off with this,. and I remembered feeling shitty the day before as well, because of this. I felt like, while I was trying to get close to him, he did nothing, just used me. I wasn't trying to get into his bed. I just wanted this kind of close friendship with him. Unfortunately this was too much and confusing with him.

That's how we fell apart.
We talked less and less and every time we talked we fought. We fought about him saying he didn't want more than friendship, me reassuring him that I didn't want more either...but he couldn't believe it. And suddenly I was furious with him, thinking I don't even have as much power to decide if I wanted something from him or not. He was certain the only reason I didn't want more, was because he didn't. He thought if he'd say "let's give it a shut" I would jump to the opportunity. I wouldn't have, and that"s what hurt me the most. Finally I was sure about my feelings for him and what I wanted and he was trying to say I didn't know what I wanted. I wrote him a long angry latter, he called me, told he was sorry, and now he understood that I only wanted to be his friend. It was too late for me. I was too hurt.
I cut of every communication with him after that, because I didn't want him to tell me off again, saying I was in love with him.
Next time we met at a party, I was avoiding him completely and he noticed it. He said he had never seen anyone trying to hide its pain as I was trying to hide mine.
On the next day he was talking to me on FB, saying he needed some time to think..I totally lost it, became very furious and started crying asking him why was he leaving me. He said he wasn't. I knew he was lying he was.
On Tuesday I got a text from him saying that he will be offline for a while.
I went through an other rage and was crying all night. I couldn't believe I have lost someone again, that he was leaving me so effortlessly, like I didn't even matter to him.
I hated him. I hated him for making me trust him, believe in him and then fucking me over so easily.
It was terrible for me to watch him ho and disappear from my life. The hardest part was not knowing when is he coming back or if he is ever gonna come back at all.
Again I could see, I felt the same panic as I felt every time my mom left me fro the alcohol. I never knew when it is going to be over, and when things would be back as they used to. It could be one week, two weeks, but even a month. This was unbearable for me to understand and accept.
The amount of pain I felt...I can't even describe. There are no words for it.

Time passed by, and we didn't have much contact, other then a couple of plain messages. I knew, it is never going to be the same. Something had died in us. Something died he day when he left me.
I couldn't trust him no more.
I knew, even if he came back, and we were friends again, it would never be the same as it was. Because by now I realized, he wasn't going to open up for me, and then, that is not real friendship if it's one sided. Also, I knew, that I have problems with boundaries and understanding the difference between friends and couple. I knew, I would be hugging him again, he would get confused and leave me AGAIN. I couldn't face that. I was over. Damaged. Broken.

We still talk sometimes. but every time it's like another nail in the coffin.
I can't handle not being his friend anymore, I can't handle losing what we had. Knowing that it will never be the's killing me the most. I miss him.

The first boy is always the hardest..:S

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Body image

I guess I can say I have a pretty bad body image.
I sort of hate the way I look and I find myself extremely fat. :S
I worry so much about what I eat. I am obsessed with saturated fat. :S I always check what contains sat fat and how much and then decide if I can have it or not. Unfortunately sometimes the temptation is too big and I can't help but eat a bar of chocolate. Or a half of pizza. :S Then I hate myself.

Also, at work, in my office, somebody usually brings cakes, biscuits, muffins...and I can't help it but have some..and have some more, and more.  Then I feel so guilty.

I am scared that I got too fat. I was 6.9-6.12 the beginning of the year and now the scale shows 7.3-7.4 and I panic, even though this was my normal weight before this madness begin last year with food.

So how did it all started? I don't now. Even a year before the last year, I had this feelings of being to fat. I have always been compared to my sister. They would say to her "Ohh, you are so skinny, why don't you eat?" and then they would turn to me and say "look at your sister! she is nice, she has nice ass, nice thighs" Unfortunately, this translated to me like "Look at, your little chubby sister!" I didn't want to be chubby.

Last year, slowly I begun to go down the hill. I would measure my waist, thighs, bum, around my breast every second month. And every measurement was 2 cm smaller, and I was pleased, but I wanted more.
I would skip breakfast, or would only eat a very small amount of cereal or maybe a slice of toast. For lunch, I would eat a fruit, or a yogurt, maybe a slice of toast or I would just skip it.
Dinner, I would eat dinner normally. I was an au pair, so I usually ate with the kids or with the parents. Because I didn't serve my food, I couldn't control how much was on my plate. When I could, I put only a little bit on my plate. It was driving me crazy having to eat properly, but I had to, because otherwise they would ahve noticed and asked questions. I didn't want that.
It was enough that sometimes when I ate faster they would say things like "ohh, you are sure hungry" . To me that meant "jeez, you eat like a pork, little fatty"

I felt tired and sad all the time, due to not having a balanced diet.
I knew I wasn't okay, but I also knew I had to lose weight.

I watched Supper skinny vs Super Size almost every weekend. I remember a day when I couldn't even have my morning cereal, I felt so awful because of eating. I was just watching Supper Skinny and Super size, and when I heard the skinny girl saying things like she was worried about what people thought of her, also she said she was worried people thought she ate too much, and as soon as others stopped eating at the table she would stopped too, because otherwise she felt guilty. The doctor told her, he was worried for her, because that's how people who are dealing with Anorexia think...
I remember I started crying, because I realized I could get there easily the way I was going. I couldn't get myself to eat, and I hated myself for it.

I hated the way my cloths that used to look perfect on me, now looked like they were just hanging on me.
I hated myself even more when I ate, because as I looked down on my body, I only saw the bad my tummy, my thighs..:S

In the end I went to the GP crying. I had a blood test just to check if I done any damage to myself, but it turned out it was all fine, but I was advised to see a psychologist if things didn't get better.

By the end of the year I recovered a bit, but sometimes still felt like everybody is watching me for eating, judging. Sometimes I felt fat.

Now, I gained my natural weight back, and I started worry again. I want to be slim. I don't want to be chubby.
In the same time I am scared of going down the hill again. It is very easy...too easy.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013


How can things go from good to bad?

Well, when it comes to me it doesn`t take much to that to happen. One minute I can be completely happy and full of energy, next minute I am so down to the ground I can`t lift my head up. The worst thing about it is that most of the times I don`t even know what makes me sad suddenly. What makes me suddenly feel so sad and desperate that I want to hurt myself?
I don`t know.

Sometimes, like now,  I remember something or someone that hurt me, and just the thought of it can bring me down completely. Like this guy, C. I thought he was my friend, and we got on well so much. I thought I can trust him. Now that he left, I don`t know what to do with the emptiness he left behind. It is all empty, so every time I think of something and that reminds me of him, I become very sad. If look out of my window and it`s a lovely, warm evening like tonight I again get upset and sad because he is not here anymore to go for a walk with me. He doesn`t like me. He doesn`t want to be my friend. I was too much, I guess. I am too awkward. :S He left me because of that, I just know it. I hate that.

Sometimes I am worried about something that is in the future, like for example what am I going to do with myself, and where will I end up? The thought of not being sure of what is going to happen, makes me cringe in fear and pain.

I can also get very upset if my plans change due to an event, or because someone cannot respect my time and/or space. A little change of my plans throws me out of my balance completely, and I just lose it. When people promise me something and they don`t do it as they said, I get very angry and anxious. I don`t understand why don`t they do as they said.

I also get anxious about tiny things that others don`t even notice. Things that perhaps others would never even think twice, but I am not like them. Little things do upset me, and I give them lots of credit in my life. It only takes me a little to get out of my balance indeed. Let me tell you a few examples, hopefully they won`t sound too stupid…

  • -if I need to go out and I am not sure what the weather is going to be like, I get frustrated because I don`t know what to wear. If I`d wear a dress it might rain, and I would be cold, if I wear trousers it might be too hot and that is annoying. I am sure if Aspies read this most of you can relate of being annoyed, frustrated of too cold or too hot weather. Sensory issues I guess..
  • -if I need to speak to someone about something important, like say whether they will be able to help me in something or not, I get frustrated because I am scared they would make a joke, make fun of me, say no, or would not understand what I want. I see a whole movie of possibilities in my head, and the list is long.
  • -when I need to meet up with someone, I am nervous because until I see them, I am not sure they will be there, I am not sure they will come at all. Having plans with someone to me is hell, because I need reinforcement from there saying “yes Erika, we will be meeting up today, yes, I will be there” because I can`t ask people to do that for me, I get upset for not knowing exactly what is going to happen.
  • -if I have plans with someone, I get very annoyed if they don`t tell me what are we going to do, where are we going to go, and what time we will go home. It annoys me even more that people don`t seem to understand the importance of this. How I am supposed to relax if I don`t know what`s going on? Oh yes, as you guessed by now, I probably have controlling issues. But I am not being bitchy…I just need my rituals and my schedule. I need a set plan so I can reduce the stress as much as I can. It`s hard enough to know that when I go out, lots of thing can happen around me and with me that I cannot control, so if I at least want to know a little part of what is going to happen, it helps a lot.

Another thing that can make me very upset is if I don`t know how to tell something to someone. Like now, I want to tell my friend/landlord that I want to move out soon, but I am so scared of his reaction or that I might hurt him that I can`t bring myself to tell him my plans. This causes me a huge amount of stress.
And of course, being misunderstood, the fear of being misunderstood is another stress trigger in my life. I hate being misunderstood. It`s hard enough to try to speak and explain things in the first place, so when I am misunderstood by someone and they get  upset with me, or laugh at me…I completely crash.

These might seem like little things, but when they all come together, and they usually do, well, that`s when I shut down and find it hard to reboot.

It`s even harder when I don`t know what causes my meltdown. But the feeling when I can feel it coming, creeping over my mind, it is scary and destroys me. I hate having meltdowns. They are exhausting and scary. I never know when I will get better, when I will be able to communicate and do things normally again. It seems like a bottomless hole, I just keep falling, and falling waiting for the crash, but it never seems to happen, and when it does…I find it almost impossible to get up.

So, let me introuduce myself :)

Okay, here we go.
Well, I am not so good in starting things. Sometimes I am, but then I found it difficult to finish what I have started.
First comes first, I am not English, yet I want to write in English, so more people can understand me. I know this is going to make it difficult  for me to express myself sometimes, but hey, that's just me, I always make things difficult...:))

So, I am Erika, 23 years old and I am Hungarian.
I am a self diagnosed aspie. I never had the diagnosis because up until like four months ago, I didn't know myself, the reason of me being so "awkward" therefore I never even thought about going to see a doctor about it. I would like to get a diagnosis now, but I can't afford it.

Most of the times I hidden my awkwardness pretty well, and blurred into the society. Up until 2-3 years ago, I was sure I was very friendly, made friends easily and was sociable. But then, it slowly, the little bits made a whole picture, my mask fell off, and for the first time I could see, what an amazing actress I was, that I was able to even fool myself, acting like I knew how to make friends. I never really had friends. I had a very few, and even those disappeared by time. Now, I guess I could say I have maybe one or two friends, but even with them, I can't really say, I feel completely accepted or respected for that matter.