Body image

I guess I can say I have a pretty bad body image.
I sort of hate the way I look and I find myself extremely fat. :S
I worry so much about what I eat. I am obsessed with saturated fat. :S I always check what contains sat fat and how much and then decide if I can have it or not. Unfortunately sometimes the temptation is too big and I can't help but eat a bar of chocolate. Or a half of pizza. :S Then I hate myself.

Also, at work, in my office, somebody usually brings cakes, biscuits, muffins...and I can't help it but have some..and have some more, and more.  Then I feel so guilty.

I am scared that I got too fat. I was 6.9-6.12 the beginning of the year and now the scale shows 7.3-7.4 and I panic, even though this was my normal weight before this madness begin last year with food.

So how did it all started? I don't now. Even a year before the last year, I had this feelings of being to fat. I have always been compared to my sister. They would say to her "Ohh, you are so skinny, why don't you eat?" and then they would turn to me and say "look at your sister! she is nice, she has nice ass, nice thighs" Unfortunately, this translated to me like "Look at, your little chubby sister!" I didn't want to be chubby.

Last year, slowly I begun to go down the hill. I would measure my waist, thighs, bum, around my breast every second month. And every measurement was 2 cm smaller, and I was pleased, but I wanted more.
I would skip breakfast, or would only eat a very small amount of cereal or maybe a slice of toast. For lunch, I would eat a fruit, or a yogurt, maybe a slice of toast or I would just skip it.
Dinner, I would eat dinner normally. I was an au pair, so I usually ate with the kids or with the parents. Because I didn't serve my food, I couldn't control how much was on my plate. When I could, I put only a little bit on my plate. It was driving me crazy having to eat properly, but I had to, because otherwise they would ahve noticed and asked questions. I didn't want that.
It was enough that sometimes when I ate faster they would say things like "ohh, you are sure hungry" . To me that meant "jeez, you eat like a pork, little fatty"

I felt tired and sad all the time, due to not having a balanced diet.
I knew I wasn't okay, but I also knew I had to lose weight.

I watched Supper skinny vs Super Size almost every weekend. I remember a day when I couldn't even have my morning cereal, I felt so awful because of eating. I was just watching Supper Skinny and Super size, and when I heard the skinny girl saying things like she was worried about what people thought of her, also she said she was worried people thought she ate too much, and as soon as others stopped eating at the table she would stopped too, because otherwise she felt guilty. The doctor told her, he was worried for her, because that's how people who are dealing with Anorexia think...
I remember I started crying, because I realized I could get there easily the way I was going. I couldn't get myself to eat, and I hated myself for it.

I hated the way my cloths that used to look perfect on me, now looked like they were just hanging on me.
I hated myself even more when I ate, because as I looked down on my body, I only saw the bad bits...like my tummy, my thighs..:S

In the end I went to the GP crying. I had a blood test just to check if I done any damage to myself, but it turned out it was all fine, but I was advised to see a psychologist if things didn't get better.

By the end of the year I recovered a bit, but sometimes still felt like everybody is watching me for eating, judging. Sometimes I felt fat.

Now, I gained my natural weight back, and I started worry again. I want to be slim. I don't want to be chubby.
In the same time I am scared of going down the hill again. It is very easy...too easy.