Body image

I guess I can say I have a pretty bad body image.
I sort of hate the way I look and I find myself extremely fat. :S
I worry so much about what I eat. I am obsessed with saturated fat. :S I always check what contains sat fat and how much and then decide if I can have it or not. Unfortunately sometimes the temptation is too big and I can't help but eat a bar of chocolate. Or a half of pizza. :S Then I hate myself.

Also, at work, in my office, somebody usually brings cakes, biscuits, muffins...and I can't help it but have some..and have some more, and more.  Then I feel so guilty.

I am scared that I got too fat. I was 6.9-6.12 the beginning of the year and now the scale shows 7.3-7.4 and I panic, even though this was my normal weight before this madness begin last year with food.

So how did it all started? I don't now. Even a year before the last year, I had this feelings of being to fat. I have always been compared to my sister. They would say to her "Ohh, you are so skinny, why don't you eat?" and then they would turn to me and say "look at your sister! she is nice, she has nice ass, nice thighs" Unfortunately, this translated to me like "Look at, your little chubby sister!" I didn't want to be chubby.

Last year, slowly I begun to go down the hill. I would measure my waist, thighs, bum, around my breast every second month. And every measurement was 2 cm smaller, and I was pleased, but I wanted more.
I would skip breakfast, or would only eat a very small amount of cereal or maybe a slice of toast. For lunch, I would eat a fruit, or a yogurt, maybe a slice of toast or I would just skip it.
Dinner, I would eat dinner normally. I was an au pair, so I usually ate with the kids or with the parents. Because I didn't serve my food, I couldn't control how much was on my plate. When I could, I put only a little bit on my plate. It was driving me crazy having to eat properly, but I had to, because otherwise they would ahve noticed and asked questions. I didn't want that.
It was enough that sometimes when I ate faster they would say things like "ohh, you are sure hungry" . To me that meant "jeez, you eat like a pork, little fatty"

I felt tired and sad all the time, due to not having a balanced diet.
I knew I wasn't okay, but I also knew I had to lose weight.

I watched Supper skinny vs Super Size almost every weekend. I remember a day when I couldn't even have my morning cereal, I felt so awful because of eating. I was just watching Supper Skinny and Super size, and when I heard the skinny girl saying things like she was worried about what people thought of her, also she said she was worried people thought she ate too much, and as soon as others stopped eating at the table she would stopped too, because otherwise she felt guilty. The doctor told her, he was worried for her, because that's how people who are dealing with Anorexia think...
I remember I started crying, because I realized I could get there easily the way I was going. I couldn't get myself to eat, and I hated myself for it.

I hated the way my cloths that used to look perfect on me, now looked like they were just hanging on me.
I hated myself even more when I ate, because as I looked down on my body, I only saw the bad bits...like my tummy, my thighs..:S

In the end I went to the GP crying. I had a blood test just to check if I done any damage to myself, but it turned out it was all fine, but I was advised to see a psychologist if things didn't get better.

By the end of the year I recovered a bit, but sometimes still felt like everybody is watching me for eating, judging. Sometimes I felt fat.

Now, I gained my natural weight back, and I started worry again. I want to be slim. I don't want to be chubby.
In the same time I am scared of going down the hill again. It is very easy...too easy.

Meltdowns

How can things go from good to bad?

Well, when it comes to me it doesn`t take much to that to happen. One minute I can be completely happy and full of energy, next minute I am so down to the ground I can`t lift my head up. The worst thing about it is that most of the times I don`t even know what makes me sad suddenly. What makes me suddenly feel so sad and desperate that I want to hurt myself?

I don`t know.

Sometimes, like now,  I remember something or someone that hurt me, and just the thought of it can bring me down completely. Like this guy, C. I thought he was my friend, and we got on well so much. I thought I can trust him. Now that he left, I don`t know what to do with the emptiness he left behind. It is all empty, so every time I think of something and that reminds me of him, I become very sad. If look out of my window and it`s a lovely, warm evening like tonight I again get upset and sad because he is not here anymore to go for a walk with me. He doesn`t like me. He doesn`t want to be my friend. I was too much, I guess. I am too awkward. :S He left me because of that, I just know it. I hate that.

Sometimes I am worried about something that is in the future, like for example what am I going to do with myself, and where will I end up? The thought of not being sure of what is going to happen, makes me cringe in fear and pain.

I can also get very upset if my plans change due to an event, or because someone cannot respect my time and/or space. A little change of my plans throws me out of my balance completely, and I just lose it. When people promise me something and they don`t do it as they said, I get very angry and anxious. I don`t understand why don`t they do as they said.

I also get anxious about tiny things that others don`t even notice. Things that perhaps others would never even think twice, but I am not like them. Little things do upset me, and I give them lots of credit in my life. It only takes me a little to get out of my balance indeed. Let me tell you a few examples, hopefully they won`t sound too stupid…

• -if I need to go out and I am not sure what the weather is going to be like, I get frustrated because I don`t know what to wear. If I`d wear a dress it might rain, and I would be cold, if I wear trousers it might be too hot and that is annoying. I am sure if Aspies read this most of you can relate of being annoyed, frustrated of too cold or too hot weather. Sensory issues I guess..
• -if I need to speak to someone about something important, like say whether they will be able to help me in something or not, I get frustrated because I am scared they would make a joke, make fun of me, say no, or would not understand what I want. I see a whole movie of possibilities in my head, and the list is long.
• -when I need to meet up with someone, I am nervous because until I see them, I am not sure they will be there, I am not sure they will come at all. Having plans with someone to me is hell, because I need reinforcement from there saying “yes Erika, we will be meeting up today, yes, I will be there” because I can`t ask people to do that for me, I get upset for not knowing exactly what is going to happen.
• -if I have plans with someone, I get very annoyed if they don`t tell me what are we going to do, where are we going to go, and what time we will go home. It annoys me even more that people don`t seem to understand the importance of this. How I am supposed to relax if I don`t know what`s going on? Oh yes, as you guessed by now, I probably have controlling issues. But I am not being bitchy…I just need my rituals and my schedule. I need a set plan so I can reduce the stress as much as I can. It`s hard enough to know that when I go out, lots of thing can happen around me and with me that I cannot control, so if I at least want to know a little part of what is going to happen, it helps a lot.

Another thing that can make me very upset is if I don`t know how to tell something to someone. Like now, I want to tell my friend/landlord that I want to move out soon, but I am so scared of his reaction or that I might hurt him that I can`t bring myself to tell him my plans. This causes me a huge amount of stress.

And of course, being misunderstood, the fear of being misunderstood is another stress trigger in my life. I hate being misunderstood. It`s hard enough to try to speak and explain things in the first place, so when I am misunderstood by someone and they get  upset with me, or laugh at me…I completely crash.

These might seem like little things, but when they all come together, and they usually do, well, that`s when I shut down and find it hard to reboot.

It`s even harder when I don`t know what causes my meltdown. But the feeling when I can feel it coming, creeping over my mind, it is scary and destroys me. I hate having meltdowns. They are exhausting and scary. I never know when I will get better, when I will be able to communicate and do things normally again. It seems like a bottomless hole, I just keep falling, and falling waiting for the crash, but it never seems to happen, and when it does…I find it almost impossible to get up.

So, let me introuduce myself :)

Okay, here we go.
Well, I am not so good in starting things. Sometimes I am, but then I found it difficult to finish what I have started.
First comes first, I am not English, yet I want to write in English, so more people can understand me. I know this is going to make it difficult  for me to express myself sometimes, but hey, that's just me, I always make things difficult...:))

So, I am Erika, 23 years old and I am Hungarian.
I am a self diagnosed aspie. I never had the diagnosis because up until like four months ago, I didn't know myself, the reason of me being so "awkward" therefore I never even thought about going to see a doctor about it. I would like to get a diagnosis now, but I can't afford it.

Most of the times I hidden my awkwardness pretty well, and blurred into the society. Up until 2-3 years ago, I was sure I was very friendly, made friends easily and was sociable. But then, it slowly, the little bits made a whole picture, my mask fell off, and for the first time I could see, what an amazing actress I was, that I was able to even fool myself, acting like I knew how to make friends. I never really had friends. I had a very few, and even those disappeared by time. Now, I guess I could say I have maybe one or two friends, but even with them, I can't really say, I feel completely accepted or respected for that matter.