Meltdowns

How can things go from good to bad?

Well, when it comes to me it doesn`t take much to that to happen. One minute I can be completely happy and full of energy, next minute I am so down to the ground I can`t lift my head up. The worst thing about it is that most of the times I don`t even know what makes me sad suddenly. What makes me suddenly feel so sad and desperate that I want to hurt myself?

I don`t know.

Sometimes, like now,  I remember something or someone that hurt me, and just the thought of it can bring me down completely. Like this guy, C. I thought he was my friend, and we got on well so much. I thought I can trust him. Now that he left, I don`t know what to do with the emptiness he left behind. It is all empty, so every time I think of something and that reminds me of him, I become very sad. If look out of my window and it`s a lovely, warm evening like tonight I again get upset and sad because he is not here anymore to go for a walk with me. He doesn`t like me. He doesn`t want to be my friend. I was too much, I guess. I am too awkward. :S He left me because of that, I just know it. I hate that.

Sometimes I am worried about something that is in the future, like for example what am I going to do with myself, and where will I end up? The thought of not being sure of what is going to happen, makes me cringe in fear and pain.

I can also get very upset if my plans change due to an event, or because someone cannot respect my time and/or space. A little change of my plans throws me out of my balance completely, and I just lose it. When people promise me something and they don`t do it as they said, I get very angry and anxious. I don`t understand why don`t they do as they said.

I also get anxious about tiny things that others don`t even notice. Things that perhaps others would never even think twice, but I am not like them. Little things do upset me, and I give them lots of credit in my life. It only takes me a little to get out of my balance indeed. Let me tell you a few examples, hopefully they won`t sound too stupid…

• -if I need to go out and I am not sure what the weather is going to be like, I get frustrated because I don`t know what to wear. If I`d wear a dress it might rain, and I would be cold, if I wear trousers it might be too hot and that is annoying. I am sure if Aspies read this most of you can relate of being annoyed, frustrated of too cold or too hot weather. Sensory issues I guess..
• -if I need to speak to someone about something important, like say whether they will be able to help me in something or not, I get frustrated because I am scared they would make a joke, make fun of me, say no, or would not understand what I want. I see a whole movie of possibilities in my head, and the list is long.
• -when I need to meet up with someone, I am nervous because until I see them, I am not sure they will be there, I am not sure they will come at all. Having plans with someone to me is hell, because I need reinforcement from there saying “yes Erika, we will be meeting up today, yes, I will be there” because I can`t ask people to do that for me, I get upset for not knowing exactly what is going to happen.
• -if I have plans with someone, I get very annoyed if they don`t tell me what are we going to do, where are we going to go, and what time we will go home. It annoys me even more that people don`t seem to understand the importance of this. How I am supposed to relax if I don`t know what`s going on? Oh yes, as you guessed by now, I probably have controlling issues. But I am not being bitchy…I just need my rituals and my schedule. I need a set plan so I can reduce the stress as much as I can. It`s hard enough to know that when I go out, lots of thing can happen around me and with me that I cannot control, so if I at least want to know a little part of what is going to happen, it helps a lot.

Another thing that can make me very upset is if I don`t know how to tell something to someone. Like now, I want to tell my friend/landlord that I want to move out soon, but I am so scared of his reaction or that I might hurt him that I can`t bring myself to tell him my plans. This causes me a huge amount of stress.

And of course, being misunderstood, the fear of being misunderstood is another stress trigger in my life. I hate being misunderstood. It`s hard enough to try to speak and explain things in the first place, so when I am misunderstood by someone and they get  upset with me, or laugh at me…I completely crash.

These might seem like little things, but when they all come together, and they usually do, well, that`s when I shut down and find it hard to reboot.

It`s even harder when I don`t know what causes my meltdown. But the feeling when I can feel it coming, creeping over my mind, it is scary and destroys me. I hate having meltdowns. They are exhausting and scary. I never know when I will get better, when I will be able to communicate and do things normally again. It seems like a bottomless hole, I just keep falling, and falling waiting for the crash, but it never seems to happen, and when it does…I find it almost impossible to get up.