Emptiness...

Empty.

I feel awfully empty.

I think we all feel like that sometimes. Although in my case it is a bit different.

I always feel empty, but there are days when the emptiness is so strong in consumes me. This is one of those days when I feel very lost, I don`t feel like I belong and I feel emptier than in general.

I remember feeling like this a lot when I was younger. I have a very strong memory of a particular day when I was laying in my be, crying my eyes out screaming “I don` t belong here, I don`t want to be here! Take me home!” And on that day I was certainly sure, I didn`t belong to this planet, and I am wasn`t one of the people around me.

I didn`t understand their language, I didn`t understand their actions. It was all messed up and weird and I whatever I did was wrong in those people eyes. I didn`t belong. And I still don`t belong to anywhere.

I am so glad, at least I found my Aspie sisters on FB. It`s the only place I can be true and honest without judgment. I feel so safe there, so alive. 

I love not having to explain why am I going through a meltdown after going out for a meeting. I love not having to explain why I don`t want to do certain things, eat certain foods, or why I need to do certain routines. 

Yet, I feel so empty. Like nothing can save me.

I don`t wish I was dead, I just wish I wasn`t here. Because I miss home, and I miss being a part of a planet where I belong to.

How did we get here? Why are we here?

I hate this feeling so much….feeling so empty and drained. Feeling misunderstood all the times. It`s so exhausting.

Please let me go home!